The Scorekeeper

What do you call someone who says, “No, please don’t pay me.  I do it from my heart”? A “good guy” you might answer. You call him a good guy. But what about if, after his good deed, he takes whatever he wants from you, pointing out that he “did so much for you”? What if the good guy feels his “favors“ were like money in the bank. And now you owe him, even though you never bought in to this game? In slang psychology, this persona is known simply as the “scorekeeper”. 

The scorekeeper is a highly manipulative game player whose goal is to look like a hero while he takes whatever he wants. The scorekeeper makes sure that you always owe him more than he is willing to do for you. In this way, he is always in control, because it is control that is the main motivator for his game. 

Control holds particular value for the scorekeeper because he very likely went through a period in his early development when he was not in control, a period during which he was very much under the control of an authoritarian adult. And so, he develops this coping mechanism to maintain control as he proceeds into adulthood.

After the initial “favors“, the scorekeeper will offer to do more for you, promising future gifts of his time and energy. These offers may even include tasks you didn’t even realize needed doing, like installing a new security light, or fertilizing your citrus trees. But many of these never occur. At this point, he is “banking“ on his history of having done the original “good deeds”. These promised future favors are “bait” to keep you hooked in, as the table turns, and you have actually done more for him than he has done for you. This is when he feels control and power over you. For example, he might do some gardening for you and then promise to fertilize some trees and repair your shutters. And then later, when he asks, you feel obliged to open your garage to him for storage of his jet ski because he once did some gardening for you and has offered to do so much more. But, now that he has the key to your garage, you gave him when he moved his jet ski there, he waits until you are away on vacation when he also puts several old mowers, gas cans, and toolboxs in your garage. But still, your trees have not been fertilized and your shutters remain broken. He may keep you hooked with small favors or gifts, many of these are things that were given to him by previous victims of his game, or flowers that grow near your house. But all the while you are doing more for him than he is doing for you. For instance, you may now have put his much-needed car part on your credit card because his is lost, and still your shutters remain broken.

When you first become irritated or maybe even a little alarmed by the amount of stuff in your garage and the fact that he has your key, you may feel a pang of guilt. “He’s done so much for me, I shouldn’t feel this way.” And if you’re very, very, very fortunate, he hasn’t also burrowed into your life in other ways. I’ve worked with clients who have employed, provided childcare for, and even become romantically involved with their “scorekeeper”. One client I worked with was manipulated into her scorekeeper / boyfriend moving in with her, with the promise that he would help her pay-down her mortgage by giving her rent. He did small things around the house, repaired the odd break, bought her a new used-washing machine, bought some of the groceries, and planted flowers in the flower boxes. But he rarely paid the promised rent.

A scorekeeper is hard to get rid of, especially if you have employed him, become emotionally involved with his children or parents, or imagine you’re in love with him. But swift action is necessary if you hope to avoid being sucked in further. You see the secondary goal of the scorekeeper is protection of the ego, or good old-fashioned, false pride. I’ve mentioned that during his development, the scorekeeper was likely under the control of an authoritarian adult. Well, during this time, the scorekeeper’s sense of self was very nearly shattered. He was able to maintain it by developing a “good guy” persona. The scorekeeper values his “favors”, even those that are only promised and never fulfilled, as proof of his value, proof that he is “a good guy”. Meanwhile, his girlfriend‘s mortgage goes unpaid, while his new girlfriend’s shutters remain broken. And both women have fallen for the “good guy“ image he portrays, each without knowing about the other.

Yes, the good guy will line his future with potential victims to ensure that he has someone he can control who will believe him to be a good guy while he controls them so that his fragile ego remains intact. Like money in the bank these people wait for the next installment or withdrawal, always to his advantage.

If along the way, someone tries to help the scorekeeper, tries to talk to him about how his actions harm others, he will revolt, become highly agitated, and perhaps even verbally abusive. He will point out everything he has done for them, and tell them how bad a person they are for not appreciating him. He may even attempt to tell them it is they, not he, who is damaged. Because above all else, the scorekeeper must maintain his good guy persona. Even when no one else believes it, he must hold on to his good guy self-image. Don’t be surprised, or fall for it, if he ups his game when you start to see through his mask. He may offer to drive you to the train station when you go on holiday with your friends, pick you up at the airport when you return, or both. This is just him trying to prove to you (and himself) that he really is a good guy. If you find you still want to believe, still hope this ends well, just try refusing to give him back your garage key and he’ll rip off the mask once more.

This good guy --- temper tantrum cycle could go round and round endlessly. You might even be the lucky girl he marries. Or, you can end it now. But it won’t be easy. Like most bad habits, getting rid of the scorekeeper requires the “cold turkey“ approach. You have to cut him off! It’s the only way. It’s difficult, because you may have become emotionally involved. And, because you actually are a good guy, you feel bad for him. He is after all, just a human trying to get through this passage on planet Earth. But don’t bother forgiving him openly. He will only rebuke your kind words if you attempt to forgive him. Remember, he cut his teeth being brought under control by an authoritarian adult. It is only when he feels harsh control that he feels loved. And as that is painful, he avoids love at all costs. He will only lash out at your kindness if you tell him you understand or forgive him. It is also difficult to escape the scorekeeper because he has a way of finding people who actually need him. The degree to which you need the scorekeeper may determine your success at escaping him. You’re very lucky indeed if your only need was for lawn care. Buy yourself a mower, ask a mentally stable friend to help you with it, or hire someone to do it for you. Get your garden gate key back, fertilize the trees yourself, and replace whatever garden tools he borrowed and failed to return. 

Was it love?

If you are also emotionally involved, it’s more difficult, and much, much sadder. You want to believe that he actually felt something for you. You want to believe that the heart shaped stone he gave you was truly representative of his heart and not just a heart of stone. You want to believe that the flowers he brought you represented his commitment to your budding relationship. Well, don’t do it! The scorekeeper is not capable of real love. For him, love is little more than heart-shaped candies in a piggy bank, and he’s always got more candy than you will ever get from him. The cold turkey approach is the only thing that works. Have a very serious conversation with yourself in front of a mirror, get your key back, cancel any credit cards he’s had access to, and definitely change the lock to your garage. Box up everything he gave you. You’ll be surprised how little it was when you do. Leave it in his driveway, or the back of his truck. And whatever you do… do not answer the phone when he calls. 

You can take as much time as you need to tell him exactly how you feel, and even exactly how you felt before you began to feel the way you feel now. If you were sincerely in love with him, you can tell him that, get it off your heart and into the open air to be cleansed, as long as you also tell him that there will be no more of you for him. Make sure he knows that you are DONE. And then. BE DONE. Do not look back. 

Healing after the scorekeeper

Healing is never easy, but always worthwhile. You’ve learned many lessons from the scorekeeper. And of all the gifts he gave you, they are the ones that hold true value. Once you’ve integrated these, there is a simple cure to the pain… stop expecting an apology. Remember, the scorekeeper is a good guy. Good guys don’t need to apologize, because they didn’t do anything wrong. Let go of the expectation that you will receive an apology, and you will find you have also let go of the pain.

Once healed, it’s important that you stay that way. Be careful not to open the wound. There are three ways of thinking about the scorekeeper, reflecting back, sideways, and imagining your future. Reflecting occurred back in paragraph ten, when you were telling him how it was and how it is now. Sideways is when you consider how to move forward. You may think of him in the phase, as he may still be in your life in some way… a neighbor, co-worker, or family member. You may need these sideways thoughts to stay present and avoid him. Just don’t let them slip back into reflecting on your old feelings for him. And ultimately, when you are fully healed you will find that you have integrated the lessons and you are now looking forward, imagining a brilliant future with the full power of understanding that although the scorekeeper gave you his heart, it was actually only a stone.